I just need to be patient. Persevere and show some self-restraint. That way I won't hurt anyone anymore.

Words are so dangerous.

Trivia (for my one and only reader in the future):

1. i like chartreuse green and off white and maya blue
2. coffee and dark chocolates are necessary evils
3. i like the anatomy of insects
4. i still dislike talking on phones
5. still the same after all these years

Back to this sanctum for a while.

A lot has changed. Five to six years ago I was suicidal. And then I believed in God. Now I don't believe in him anymore. I'm still as melancholic as ever but at least I'm not suicidal.

Still somewhat of a prude. Realist. Loves black comedy. Still weird but blending in.

I think I've learnt to be happier. Sometimes I still feel crazy but at least experience tells me that this soon will pass. I don't want to die slitting my wrists or jumping from a building or drowning in brackish seawater. I never did, come to think of it. I just need to get away sometimes, be it cycling in the rain or having an anime/ book marathon or just sleeping my woes away.

My desk is in a mess. : (

Work is tiring.

Wake up -> Go to work -> Stand for 8 hours -> Go back home -> Eat -> Sleep

And the cycle continues. xD

I need my life back. T__T

But I need to save up money for next year too.

Hence I shall change my shift to a 5-hours one. Hoho.

Merry Christmas.

http://responsivereiding.wordpress.com/2005/09/22/pre-planned-well-informed-deliberately-purposeful-ignorance-let-me-have-it/

fides quaerens intellectum - faith seeking understanding

copied and pasted from a private blog entry from long ago:

Roots
(roots of a problem)
I tackle a problem as such:
(this is my way of solving problems – by withdrawing myself from the picture and taking it the very detached but practical way.)
Find the source of the problem.
Decide the best course of action such that there will be the least efforts and casualties.
Either avoiding or attacking helps.
(Sometimes running away doesn’t necessarily absolve the problem, but in light of everything else, it is the best plan.)
Follow the course of action.
(This is the most difficult stage.)
I’m stuck at the first step.
(This time, it’s not a “physical” problem. It’s not a problem in the reality, in the physical realm. It is “spiritual”. It’s harder to identify the root of the problem when you don’t even know the problem. It’s like having a sickness without name – and thus, without cure.)
Or probably even beyond that.
(This has double meaning. Beyond the first step, or being beyond “beyond cure”.)
Because it’s like I’m sitting in a room filled with mirrors, and every reflection looks the same – you can’t identify the real one.
(You’ve to go read the below title, Mr. In Between, to know the meaning of Oblivion suite. The context I’m using it in is different, but in some ways it is the same. Picture a typical image of someone punching a reflection. Multiply it by a hundred, or thousands.)

Oblivion suite. (from Mr. In Between)

-------------------

In retrospect, I cannot say that I had been lacking in effort to get myself out of the pit. But, it’d been a meaningless effort. Rather, I had been lacking understanding.

And understanding comes from the Word.

This reminds me of the verse:

My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. (Hosea 4:6a)

------------------------

It’s ironic that, on the Bible that my dad has passed to me, it’s been written on the first page:

The Bible is meant to be bread for daily use,

Not cake for special occasions.

And yet, despite knowing that, I’ve never applied it in my life, until recently.

‘Theory is not enough; you need Experience to top it off as well.’

That statement was theory to me as well.

“Fides quaerens intellectum”, which means “faith seeking understanding”, is an idiom in Italian. It also sums up this particular phase of life that I’m currently in.

I am unworthy. I am weak. I am immature.

I know that. I knew that.

And now it’s time to get out of self-obsession and be God-obsessed.

I still don’t understand enough. I still don’t have a specific purpose in God. I’m still growing.

But, I at least know that I need God. I want to seek him. I want to love him.

Is that enough?

------------------------

Chronicles of God’s blessings in my life:

1. Right when I was at pit bottom (during secondary two), and could think of no reason to live, nor die, God saved me. The timing was just too coincidental to put off as coincidence. (Don’t mind the pun.)

2. The Holy Spirit. I know that it is God at work here, because you just don’t suddenly learn how to speak that weird language that’s called “tongues”. And I thank God that he gave me the Holy Spirit on the first try (and not after eight hours of praying or something), because I don’t have enough faith for anything more than that. Hur hur.

3. Fellow brothers and sisters in church. A friendship that is God-centered is just different from the friendships of the world. I’m really grateful that God placed me in the midst of wonderful, lovable people, who each made an irrevocable impact in my life. I really really love them.

4. All the awe-inspiring miracles in my life. Many of them I have forgotten, though. But I still remember the times when I have no money in my EZ-link, no cash on me at all, and God sent people to save me. Numerous times. One of the incidents being very memorable because the possibility of God answering such a specific prayer was so slim I could hardly believe it myself. God also helped me a lot in terms of my studies. The chances of me writing an entire Chinese essay without the help of a dictionary is nil, but God did it, and it was actually two essays, if you want to count. Of course, there are instances when God didn’t answer my prayers. For some, I know the reason; for others, I think I’ll have to ask him when I see him in heaven.

5. All the times when you tried to tell me something (which I don’t listen to, sometimes). You’ve spoken to me through various means, I now realize. For example, when I misplaced my bible, it was a mean of telling me how lost I was, as well. Coincidentally, when I finally had the revelation that I was lost, I found my bible.

6. Forgiving me. Your faithfulness. Just like the father in the parable of the prodigal son, you welcomed me with open arms. You were always there beside me, even though you’re not tangible, and a lot of times, I don’t feel you.

For all the blessings and the testings, I thank you.

I thank you for everything.

“The fool says in his heart, there is no God.” (Psalm 14:1a)

I want to run the race till the end, so if I fall away from the track, please whack me awake.

Redeemed

X29:

Paradoxical. I had high expectations for this camp because I was desperate. No definite camp objectives though.

Deeper. Got to know some of my cg members even more. Accounted. Amazed at God's hand (in this).

Opened. Struggle. History. Relief.

Conviction.

Eternity begins when you know Jesus.

Stop pity-partying.

Personal breakthrough.

Courage.

A new creation.

Thank you, God.

I have a logo. Finally. : D

Let's see what will happen a few days from now...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v407/c00ki3/c00ki3_angelofdeath.png
(for a contest)

Powered by ScribeFire.

Right now,

I feel like shutting the door,

listen to loud music,

and ignore phone calls.

Stereo pumping out rock n roll,

melancholic melodies,

jrock, heavy metal, soul.

This is Escapism

without freedom.

Excerpt:

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click…

The murderer had placed his legs on the desk, back reclined into the office chair in a languid manner. He was tapping his fingernails against the glassy surface of the table, the clicking noise resounding in the room.

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click…

The occupant at the other side of the desk was a figure shrouded in thick afternoon shadows, backlit by the flaming windows. He sat rigidly on his own chair, waiting. The tips of his hair were shining red and yellow in the sunlight.

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click…

“So…” the murderer wrapped his tongue around the word pensively, and the vexatious clicking stopped.

The head of fire shifted, and eyes turned to stare attentively at the fainéant client – the murderer.

“You’re saying there’s no other choice?” The man finally completes the sentence, dragging out the last word in something akin to contentment.

The shadowed figure lets out an inconspicuous sigh, either at the dreariness of his predicament or the repetition of the question.

“Yes,” he replied, “there is no other option left… Unless you desire to die, that is.”

There was a harsh swipe of legs, and an instant later, there were no feet on the table, only a peeved murderer leaning over the desk with craziness in his eyes.

The murderer glared at his lawyer in petulance and whispered threateningly, “I wouldn’t hire you if I wanted death so much, you know?”

The lawyer nodded his head.

“Yes, yes. Nobody sane wishes to die…”

And the lawyer leaned forward as well, a dark look on his face. The shadows moved and flitted away, leaving a patch of his face visible in the office’s florescent lights.

“That’s why the only viable option left is to plead insanity.”

The metal tag on the lawyer’s breast pocket glittered in the shivering light. The word “Adelwolf” flashes for a split second, but the second half of the name remains in darkness.

Someone, please stab me right now.

X29: 9^th to 12^th December, CCSS

Damnit damnit damnit.

Ps: This post doesn’t make sense.